Q vs Shadow
by Shadow Orenda
Summary: In a shameless case of self-insertion, Q and Shadow have a somewhat amusing encounter- on the bridge of the Enterprise, much to Captain Picard's dismay. [COMPLETE]


Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. Okay? Are you happy?! I own me, though. Shadow owns Shadow. Yep. Just not Star Trek.  
  
"Q!"  
  
Picard was fuming. For several days now all sorts of malfunctions had been interfering with life on the Enterprise: communications were down, weapons refused to be brought online, and not even Data had yet found a way to shut off the 'tactical alert' alarm.  
  
And now the infuriating entity stood, arms crossed, on his bridge, clad in the uniform of a Starfleet admiral. Picard snarled.  
  
"Q! I might've known! What have you done to my ship?!"  
  
"Au contraire, mon capitaine," Q replied smoothly. "I have done nothing to your ship. As a matter of fact. I've come to save the day, as usual." Picard snorted derisively. Q frowned at him. "Ah, Jean-Luc. you just can't bring yourself to trust me, can you? You humans have very little real talents, but one of them is most definitely holding a grudge. You are ever so good at it, Captain." He shook his head wearily. "But in any case! To business!" He clapped his hands- and suddenly turned away to shout at something-someone-no one else could see. "SHADOW! I KNOW YOU'RE HERE!"  
  
Nothing. Q frowned slightly. "SHADOW!!" he roared, so loudly that everyone on the bridge flinched and covered their ears.  
  
Still nothing.  
  
Q was obviously getting very annoyed. He opened his mouth again, but suddenly snapped it shut, staring at the viewscreen. The bridge crew turned to see what Q was so astonished by- and began staring too.  
  
Across the viewscreen, in giant bold letters, were the words: "Q. WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?"  
  
Q jerked out of his amazement and scowled. Picard and his crew were still standing there, stunned. "By the Continuum, Shadow, you are without question the most irritating being I have ever known."  
  
"What about. yourself?"  
  
Q jumped slightly and whirled around. Behind him stood a young woman (Or at least she looked young, Picard reflected- if she was associated with Q, there was no way of knowing.) dressed in a long dark cloak, with piercing green eyes and somewhat tousled black hair. A smug smile danced across her face, reminding Picard distinctly of the look that Q so often adopted while speaking to him.  
  
Q's eyes narrowed. "Oh, you're a real laugh riot, Shadow," he said sarcastically.  
  
"Just like you are, Q?" Picard couldn't help but add.  
  
Q whirled to glare at him. "I am not amused, mon capitaine," he growled. "Now why don't you just stay out of this?"  
  
Picard glowered. "I will most certainly NOT stay out of this- not while it's taking place on my bridge!"  
  
Q opened his mouth, but the person Q called Shadow intervened. "Sorry, Captain," she said cheerfully, "but I'm afraid you don't have a choice in the matter." Her eyes glowed red for a moment, then faded to green. Picard leapt to his feet-or tried to. He found himself completely frozen in place. The rest of the crew seemed to be in the same position.  
  
Shadow smiled winningly at Q. "So anyway... where were we.?"  
  
Q glared at his adversary. "We. were. right. HERE!" he growled, and hurled a giant ball of energy at her.  
  
Shadow ducked, and the energy ball smashed a gigantic hole in the wall before disintegrating.  
  
Q's opponent snarled and raised a hand, her eyes glowing red as they had the first time she used her powers. The air on the bridge crackled with electricity as a burst of lightning struck Q. He shrieked in pain and fury and retaliated violently, using his power to throw Shadow into the wall.  
  
The battle between Q and Shadow raged on. Within minutes, the bridge was almost completely demolished. However, having his ship destroyed by two battling super-beings was not high on Jean-Luc Picard's "to-do" list, so he decided to do something about it. He wiggled his fingers experimentally. Sure enough, Shadow had forgotten, in the heat of the battle, to hold the captain in his frozen state. He leapt to his feet. "ENOUGH!!!!" he bellowed at the top of his voice.  
  
Q and Shadow froze in place. Slowly they turned to face the Captain.  
  
"I will not permit you to destroy my ship for the convenience of your little duel!" he roared. A pause, and he continued. "Why are you fighting, anyway?! Do you even know?!"  
  
Counselor Troi broke in at this point. "Captain, perhaps I can assist you." Picard tilted his head, inviting her to continue. "Well," she said hesitantly, "If they're willing, I suppose they could come to my office. I could try to work out why they're fighting and maybe get them to stop."  
  
Q and Shadow stared at her. "Are you suggesting." Q said incredulously, "that Shadow and I. attend a. counseling session? With you?!"  
  
Troi flushed slightly. "Well. yes, I suppose you could say that."  
  
Q and Shadow looked at each other- and burst out laughing. They did so for several minutes. Then, abruptly, they were all business. "We might as well," Shadow said, shrugging. "What harm could it do?"  
  
"None. I hope," Picard muttered under his breath.  
  
Troi leaned forward. "So. let's start with the basics," she began. "Q. Shadow. why are you fighting? Why are you so bent on the destruction of each other?"  
  
Q and Shadow blinked and exchanged glances. "Because. because." Shadow stammered.  
  
"Because. because we are!" Q broke in, as if that explained everything.  
  
"Yes! Enemies!" Shadow agreed, inspired.  
  
"Rivals!"  
  
"Foes!"  
  
"To the bitter end!" Q supplied. Both sat back in satisfaction with their answer.  
  
Troi shook her head. "No better reason than that?"  
  
Shadow and Q looked at each other, slightly puzzled. "No," Q responded after a while. "Isn't that good enough?"  
  
"No!" Troi burst out, exasperated. Calming herself quickly, she added, "No. There's no. no logic to it!"  
  
"What are you, a Vulcan?" Shadow grumbled.  
  
Troi sighed. "No, it's just that. hmm. Wait a minute!" she said suddenly. "That's right! You're both immortal, aren't you?" Both nodded proudly. "Then. how do you plan to destroy each other?"  
  
Q and Shadow blinked. They considered this for several moments. "That. had never occurred to us," Shadow said finally.  
  
"Yes, so I gathered," Troi said, a hint of sarcasm in her voice.  
  
"So." Shadow looked at Q. "I guess we kind of. messed up, didn't we?"  
  
"Big time," Q agreed.  
  
At that moment Captain Picard entered the room. "You didn't just mess up your little vendetta, you messed up my ship!" he reminded them vehemently.  
  
"Yes." Shadow said thoughtfully. "Yes, I suppose we did, didn't we?" The red glow flared in her eyes again. "There," she said with satisfaction.  
  
Picard was terrified. "What have you done now?"  
  
"Why don't you take a look at your bridge?" Shadow smirked.  
  
Picard did so. His mouth dropped open. The damage that the battle had done to his bridge was completely repaired.  
  
"Satisfied?" Shadow said from behind him.  
  
"Rather finicky, isn't he?" Q said, joining them.  
  
"Oh, most certainly," Shadow agreed. "Aren't all humans, though?"  
  
"Hmm," Q said thoughtfully. "Well, most are, but some of them are just plain stupid, and others are simply just so full of themselves."  
  
"We are, too," Shadow pointed out.  
  
"Yes, but we are Q. We have a right to be full of ourselves. Omnipotence is nothing to be sneezed at, you know."  
  
"True, true," Shadow nodded.  
  
Q draped a friendly arm around her shoulder. "I could get to like you, I think."  
  
Shadow grinned. "Likewise." The pair of them wandered off, disappearing in a flash of light.  
  
The bridge crew just stood there, stunned into silence. All of them looked to their captain, awaiting his reaction.  
  
Captain Picard shook his head wearily. "Those two are unreal," he sighed, and sat heavily in the captain's chair. "Mr. Crusher, bring us to warp speed 3."  
  
"Aye, sir."  
  
The Captain smiled in satisfaction. No matter how much he was reminded of it, he still loved the sensation of a worthy ship, and a worthy crew. Not even Q- or Shadow- could take that away from him.  
  
He raised his hand in the customary fashion. "Engage!"  
  
A/N: Yes, this is a case of shameless self-insertion. No, it is NOT a Q/Shadow fic. I find it hopelessly self-centered to pair yourself with your favorite character. Whenever I see those "I am married to Thief Bakura" badges, I want to scream. Could just be me...  
  
But, it's okay to portray yourself as a friend of a character. Just nothing more. That's all I did. Friends. Savy?  
  
Review! Review! Review!  
  
(Update: Whoo! Someone actually reviewed this fic! Thanks! April, Shadow is. me. *sweatdrop* It's a shameless case of the authoress putting herself in her own fics, that's what it is. Oh well! So I'm shameless!) 


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